We have all heard about smart college students who come home because they struggled to manage the freedom and independence of college. For years, we have heard about “helicopter parents” who manage their children’s schedules and keep in touch with their teachers. We also hear about students who suffer from not having enough support. The hardest job many of us will ever have is being a parent. The challenge is to find the happy medium in how much support we provide for our children.

Executive function skills are arguably more important than academic skills. According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Executive function refers to skills that you use to manage everyday tasks like making plans, solving problems, and adapting to new situations.”

For parents to find the happy medium, they need to provide their children with needed support, such as a therapist, coach, or tutor, while teaching them to be resourceful, be problem solvers, make their own plans, and advocate for themselves at school and elsewhere.

Being Resourceful

If your child comes to you with a problem, you can offer suggestions, or you can ask them, “What are some ways you can solve this problem? Let’s discuss them, and you can choose the best solution.” It is tempting to solve their problems for them, but the goal should be for children to become more resourceful. This involves trial and error and is a constant work in progress.

Making Mistakes

We all get annoyed at ourselves when we make mistakes, but making mistakes is inevitable and a learning opportunity. Do not chastise your child for making a mistake. Instead, you can discuss what they learned from it, what they will do differently going forward, and laugh at some similar mistake that you made.

Making Plans

When our children are young, we set up play dates and activities for them. As they grow older, they should gradually start making their own plans and choosing their own activities. They should be taught about expectations to notify parents about their plans.

Doing Homework

Children are reluctant to do homework for many reasons – it is too difficult, they don’t understand the instructions, they have trouble getting started, or they want to do something else. Parents may need to be available for questions or help get started during homework time. Setting a schedule and expectations for homework and offering praise for a job well done is helpful. Over time, students should become more confident and take charge.

Advocating

Many parents are quick to contact teachers when there is a school issue. By high school or earlier, students should contact teachers and counselors on their own.

Chores

Children must do chores at home to prepare for independence. These include light cooking and cleaning, laundry, cleaning up their belongings from common areas, and pet care.

Independence

By senior year of high school, teens should be managing their own lives. This means making their own appointments, doing homework mostly independently, driving themselves, and doing their laundry. Of course, they still need support from their parents and possibly a coach or tutor, just like spouses support each other. Once in college, teens can use their independent skills while keeping in touch with their parents and continuing with other supports.

Accommodations

Being independent means being able to access accommodations. These can be helpful in high school as well as college. Students who have 504 or special education (IEP) plans in high school should be evaluated in high school so that they will have a current report to share with the college Office of Disability. Parents are not allowed to do this for them. Accommodations in college may include extra time on assignments and tests, access to copies of class notes, designated quiet study spaces, and flexible deadlines.

The best things we can do for our children are to enjoy time together, expose them to new experiences, laugh together, and help them build self-confidence and independence while helping them to build their executive functioning skills.

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