Helping with Homework and Stepping Back
Many parents struggle with deciding how much homework help to give their children. You’ve probably been here. Your child is staring at a math worksheet. Their eyes are blank, their pencil hand frozen to the spot. What’s your first instinct? To grab a chair and a calculator and dive right in with them? That’d be helpful, right? It could be…or maybe the best move is to step back. Or maybe that’s the WORST move you could make in a situation like that. So how do you know what to do? It all depends on the context, which we’re about to discuss.
Balance, as always, is crucial here. Too much help can build dependency and self-doubt. Too little help can make your child feel overwhelmed and under-supported. If you want to help your child, be in the moment, respond to the needs of that moment, stepping in when needed and stepping back when this is something they must do on their own. Here’s how to identify the specific needs when they arrive.
When to Intervene
- Constant, continuous meltdowns over homework.
- Blank page panic
- Consistently struggling with schoolwork and homework no matter how hard they try
- Forgotten materials and/or late/missing assignments
These moments are the time for you to be a coach. It’ll be tempting to do their homework for them, but don’t. Instead, help them break the task down into smaller, easier steps. You can also offer to make a game plan together. You can show them how to use tools like a shared Google Calendar, checklists, and timers. Don’t ask why they haven’t started. Instead, the golden TFS Newsletter’s #1 question here to show support and create a problem-solving framework is, “What part feels hardest right now?”
When to Step Aside
There will always be a place to help your child in the best ways possible. But one of the most important ways to help them is knowing when to give them space. It can be tempting to hover if things aren’t going according to plan, but the only way to build independence is with trial and error, giving room to flourish by just stepping aside. Here are signs it’s time to do just that:
- Friction from your involvement
- They say they want to do their homework alone
- They’re creating their own routines and study methods
- Your child is doing homeworkwork their own way; it may not be your way, but life’s a self-awareness game
These are the moments where self-reliance needs to be encouraged. Let them learn it. Let them instill in themselves the satisfaction of getting things done on their own. By letting them handle homework and other things on their own, you’re making a vote of faith in their problem-solving skills; that vote of faith gives a boost in confidence. Don’t worry if the result isn’t perfect. It’s all part of the learning process.
Building the Habit
If you’re not sure which approach to take, start by asking this question or a variation:
“Do you want help, or do you want me to listen?” This simple question takes all of the pressure out of your child’s environment so they can express their needs best. You can also guide them with open-minded questions such as:
- “What’s your plan for this homework project?”
- “What worked well for you last time?”
- “How will you know you’re ready for the quiz?”
These prompts build something called metacognition, their ability to think about their own thinking. This is a crucial component to academic success.
Two Real Examples from My Career
Until recently, I had spent months studying side-by-side with a college student of mine named Katie. This involved reviewing material for every test and helping her to stay on task. But something changed. One day, as we were sitting down and going over her next unit of study, she told me that she wanted to try studying for it on her own, with my role only being to quiz her a few times a week. It was a pleasant surprise, a small moment that nonetheless said so much: she felt ready. And sure enough, with improved test results, she proved that she was ready. It had required some time spent stepping in, but that time stepping in gave her the courage to step up, which required me to step aside. So many steps!
There’s also Ben, a sixth-grade student of mine who would panic over every project he was given, begging his mom to do it with him (when he wasn’t begging her to do it for him). His mom and I practiced a new script together for her to put into action: instead of just swooping in, she would ask what his first step was. Ben needed a tiny nudge the first time she tried this, a little less the second time. But the third time this happened, he confirmed that it had worked with three words: “I’ve got this.” That moment never would have come about with constant help. Instead, it came from just the right amount of support and a great deal of trust.
The Big Picture
A great parent isn’t one who solves every problem; no one person can do that. A great parent is one who knows when to do the heavy lifting and when to let the bike go so their kids can ride forward on their own. The balancing act is one of independence and support. In mastering this balance, you can help your child build the confidence, resilience, and skills they need for in school and far beyond for the rest of their lives.
By Kristopher Heaton, Premier Tutor and Academic Coach with Tutoring For Success
